I wish you…

I am not a mean person,
Not purposefully unkind.
But there are many out there,
Who seem not to have any sort of functioning mind.

They get in my way,
Disturb my existence.
But despite their incessant badgering,
I do not wish to snuff out their existence.

Instead, I wish them a lifetime of annoyance and inconvenience.

I hope you get cold water in your sleeves every time you wash your hands,
That you lose your things constantly, even in your home.
That you consistently buy the wrong size staples for your stapler,
That every single one of your left socks develops a gaping hole.

I hope that your favourite TV show gets moved to the middle of the night,
That your colleagues consistently come to work in flip flops with unwashed feet.
That your washing machine turns all your clothes pink,
That your boss forgets your name every time you meet.

I hope that your streaming subscription suddenly resets,
Requiring a new password with 13 characters including letters, numbers and symbols.
That your email is filled with spam from Nigerian princes, contests and prizes.
And that each bit of chocolate you eat gives you a pimple.

I hope that your neighbour’s son decides to start learning to play the drums,
Happily accompanied by his sister on the tuba.
That every elevator companion you ever had just ate read beans,
That you’re so absent minded you book a flight to Havana and end up in Juba.

I hope that you misplace your passport just before a long trip,
Only for it to be found safe and sound the day you cancel it.
That your Alexa device gets confused with your playlist,
And ends up playing MMMMBop on repeat.

There are many other things I could wish you,
Not to worry, I won’t be cloying.
As I said, I am not mean per se
I just wish you’d listened to what I said when I said it instead of being annoying.