For those of you who know me or follow me on social media, you know that for the last few months, I’ve really started to get into yoga, and more specifically hot yoga. I do love working out in general, swimming, hiking, going to the gym (former Crossfitter here! Miss it!) – all of it! But I found that hot yoga was a great way to keep working out while trying to take care of my body and mind: an excellent way to accompany me in my journey to lose weight, find mental stability and overall just feel better about myself.
As with every physical activity, there have been some speedbumps along the way, and things havn’t always been as easy as I had hoped. The Hot Yoga community is a tight knit one, and there are rules and regulations to make sure that your participation meets the groups’ norms. See this post as a public service annoucement: for those of you that are thinking about jumping in, or are still new to the game and thus don’t know all the rules, here are some “Dos and Don’ts” aimed at making sure your yoga experience is a successful one.
1. DO only wear matching Lulu Lemon outfits. This is vital for your integration and success as a future yogi. Sporting clothes from any other outlets are simply not acceptable. And don’t even think about a mismatched top and bottom. This will negatively affect your ability to do all the poses, and your overall success in life.
2. If you have long hair, DO be sure to always wear your hair in a topknot. As an expert yogi, I am here to tell you that all other hairstyles are frowned upon. No braids, no pony tails, no low buns. The top knot is a beacon of hope and understanding to the others in the room, to show them that not only are you part of the community, but that you share the common goal of emulating JLo at every turn. Note, if you have short hair, grow it out so you can do a top knot.
3. For the men with long hair in the room, only man-buns are acceptable. Otherwise, please shave your head, because you are just not commiting to the cause.
4. If you are a man, DO make sure you wear a pair of swimming trunks that are like boxer briefs, and at least 1-2 sizes too small. The other people in the room want to see the shape and size of your bits while trying to focus on the tree pose, I promise you!
5. DO NOT participate in any kind of yoga activity if you have boobs or an ass bigger than that of a teenage boy. Many yoga poses require contortions in positions that are diffcult if you have some curves, and it is absolutely not adaptable. So get skinny first, then work out to stay skinny.
6. DO NOT be clean when you come to yoga class. We all highly appreciate the smell of sweat mixed with the shit stain that is your existence. It’s really just part of your aura. We love it.
7. If you have a cold or flu, DO come to class and infect everyone else in the room. After all, we are all there to share, grow and learn from each other.
8. As per point 7, if you are ill, DO make sure you blow your nose loudly and regularly, preferably without using a tissue. Men in man-buns are especially adapt at this, so please feel free to watch and learn.
9. If you are somehow and in someway looking like you are of Indo/Pakistani decent and go to yoga, DO expect that everyone in class will assume you know Yoga, can do all the poses, and speak fluent Sanskrit. If you don’t know, learn. Otherwise, you are simply a disgrace to your race.
10. DO ignore everything written above. Yes, the shit listed in the above 9 points are real, and people in class can be dirty shit heads. Some instructors don’t take the time to understand that all bodies are different and bend in different ways, and participants often take their participation in this activity too seriously, and it becomes a reflection of who they are, their place in this world. Ignore them, wish them well, and move on. Find a good studio, with good instructors that you like and that can help you improve, and then keep at it. It will help your physical and mental well being in the long run, if you can avoid all the other shit.