Dear Person who is my hierarchical superior though clearly not my superior in any other matter,
By this letter, I would like to present my resignation from the most important, and in all fact the only worthwhile, post in this organisation. I imagine that you must be surprised by my resignation – but the truth of the matter is that I cannot abide by this awful treatment for another moment. You must see how I have been abused by the organisation for many years now. Yes, it’s true I make 200,000 more a year than colleagues that are supposed to be at the same level as me and that I always get all the staff and resources I want (well mostly…I still can’t believe that idiot woman in IT wouldn’t give me an iPad when I requested it three times!), but I do not feel that my work here is appreciated.
Please do not think that I am resigning on a whim. I have thought about this thoroughly, and in particular after we met for my performance review. During that review, you mentioned a number of issues that you felt impacted my performance as part of the team. You repeatedly mentioned how my colleagues get very angry when I miss scheduled meetings. In addition, you mentioned the way I hoard all of the organisational resources, thus not allowing anyone else to do their work efficiently. My responses for both of those issues was clear and concise. I cannot be wasting my time meeting with people whose work is irrelevant, and that my colleagues do not need to work efficiently as their work is irrelevant. If you want them there for public image, that’s fine, but I am clearly the one that requires the resources, and whose time is the most valuable. As I have said many times, and not just during the review, people must understand that only I can make this organisation survive, and without me, you are all nothing. I single-handedly elevated this place from the ashes of its original idea, and no matter how many times I tell you, you people just don’t seem to get it and thus provide me the veneration I deserve.
I took some time to reflect on the discussion we had, and after long and thoughtful deliberation, I had come to you with a proposition. I very clearly, in the simplest form possible, explained to you that I should be the one running this place, since no one else can. I was honest and humble about the sacrifice it would entail, but of course you all know that I am a very giving man. Plus, as you very well know, my demands were not unreasonable. I only wanted a raise, all my flights to be upgraded from business class to first class, an iPad to work along with my laptop, and a new iPhone every 3 months. Peanuts compared to what I was bringing to the table. Plus I was very honest – I had opportunities elsewhere that I was ignoring specifically because this organisation needs me so much! But for some reason you were blind to the sacrifice I was making for you, but also for the world. Instead, you said something about power abuse, something about salary equity and gender balance. What kind of nonsense is that? I am clearly better than everyone, as I keep trying to tell you.
Plus, I will have you know that I am a huge proponent of equality, and in particular when it works towards my advantage. Not only is my entire team female, but all are a good 15-20 years younger than I am, and all of them are single! How many people do you know that would consistently hire single young women to work for them? Have you even considered the knowledge and experience I impart on these impressionable women? I take the time to mould these impressionable young minds, preparing them for the future. And as for salary equity, that would be fine if anyone else in this organisation was important, but as I mentioned, I am the most valuable employee, and thus equity is a detriment to keeping me and my team productive. You seemed angered when I said that, though I have no idea why.
All that being said, despite our numerous and lengthy discussions, neither you nor anyone else in this organisation truly understand how you will all fail without me. However, I feel I can prop you up no longer. My shoulders are not broad enough. As such, I must resign. I will give you one week to reflect on this, and give into my very reasonable demands. I just ask to be appreciated.
The only person who contributes anything to this place.